The Art of Asking: How To Get What You Want When They Say No

The art of asking is not in how to get what you want but in how not to aim too low. Getting what you ask for is only a good thing if it elevates you in the eyes of the person who is giving…even if they say ‘no’

How to Win When They Say ‘No’

Have you ever heard ‘Be careful what you ask for, as you may get it.’? It’s a cautionary tale that if you aim too low, you might just find yourself stuck with the mediocre. But when you dare to ask for more, even a ‘no’ can become a powerful tool. It is not a secret but … most people will never ask to begin with. The number one reason is usually that they don’t know how to ask for what they want, and the second most common reason is rather ironic – they don’t ask because they think they would get a ‘no’.

Did you experience this before? So here it is – IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. What happens in our bodies when we face rejection is fascinating. Our brains process rejection similarly to physical pain. It’s a primal response, a survival mechanism from our early days as humans. But we’ve evolved since then, and so should our response to rejection and what we do with it…

Allow me to restate a well-known fact here that the probability of getting what you want without asking for it is close to zero. You can’t always get what you want BUT what if I told you that you can’t lose, even when someone says ‘no’ to you?

The real secret to success isn’t in avoiding the ‘no’, but in leveraging it to elevate your aspirations, declare your ambition and mark where you intend to be. The trick is to know what to do when you face rejection and to even plan for it in advance. It is pretty much the same in life and business, whether you are negotiating a contract, a raise, or a night out.

So, let’s dive into some effective negotiation techniques, the art of asking and mindset essentials.

A most common misconception of success is how we see getting what we ask for. But what if I told you that getting what you ask for is not always a good thing? Let me explain… If you always get what you want, chances are that you’re not asking for enough, not asking frequently enough, and not being brave enough (with yourself included). In other words, it is likely that you’re not pushing your limits and therefore missing out on the potential value you are able to generate around. Like it or not, we are only rewarded for the perceived value we provide to others, in life and business.

So how do you find out the limit of what you can get for that perceived value? Simple. Ask. Double your ask, then double it again. It’s like training your ambitions for a high-stakes game. But what should you ask for?

What I see over and over again is that the number one issue most people grapple with is themselves. They’re like a ship lost at sea, unsure of their destination. They don’t know what exactly they want, they don’t know their worth, and they’ve never dared to push their boundaries. I’ve set at a negotiation table with people who negotiated against themselves. Often. Don’t be that person. After all, how can anyone say yes to you if you’ve already said ‘no’ to yourself?

There is a quick fix for that: Stand upright, straighten your shoulders, look right into their eyes, and ask for something that’s twice as much as what you’ve asked for previously. That is what ALL SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE DO. If you have any doubt about that read “Green Lights” by Matthew McConaughey.

If you get it easily, it’s not your limit. Take a deep breath and add another ask that’s bigger than the first one. If you get that too, pause and make sure you know what to do with what you’ve got so far. Keep asking for what will really take you to the next level in your own eyes. Not for what you get but for what you become in the process of getting it. 

This works. Always. Because once you start seeing that people are actually happy to give you a lot in exchange for the value they see in you for them, the game will change forever. The catch? It’s going to be UNCOMFORTABLE.

But so is the cold water in the ocean before you are just about to deep in it on a cool breezy morning. The initial plunge can be a shock, but once you’re in, you appreciate the bold step you took, despite your body’s initial resistance. If you want to make a difference, the first person to impact is you.

Take the step, get your ‘no’ so you can gear up and put the two strategies that follow into action. It will feel amazing – like experiencing relief, growth and opportunity, all at the same time.

If you always get what you want, chances are that you’re not asking for enough, not asking frequently enough, and not being brave enough (with yourself included).

The Art Of Asking Mindset Strategy #1 – A ‘No’ Helps Establish Your Perceived Value And Discover Information You Do Not Have

If you keep asking for more, eventually, you’ll find your limit, and that’s when things will start getting interesting. You’ll start learning where your gaps are and what you’re really worth for different groups of people – sometimes it’s measured by money, sometimes by a title, sometimes by a seat at the table or the size of the project/problem/prospect. Knowing where your bar is set is an amazing opportunity because you will know exactly what you will need to close the gap to experience progress fast.

We all want to be useful, to belong, and to be recognised for our efforts. To realise your true potential, pay attention to what others tell you. Feedback is incredibly valuable, especially when it reveals gaps in your delivery, uncovers assumptions you weren’t aware of, or changes your perspective on everything. I love Ray Dalio’s advice – “Find smart people who disagree with you.” Once you find out what they see that you don’t and put it to good use, your solution becomes twice as valuable.

The Art Of Asking Mindset Strategy #2 – Getting A ‘No’ Is Powerful In Any Negotiation

Every negotiation is an exchange of value each side receives from the deal in near and long term. When you get what you ask for, it’s a challenge to deliver value matching the value you receive. Giving more value than they expect is the foundation for building credibility, trust, reciprocity and the comfort of giving you more and more value in return without risking too much.

When you don’t get what you want, it’s a challenge to find where the willingness to give you some value meets with the value your counterparts get in return. That value does not have to be in the same category. The perfect opportunity to put forward a second ask comes after you hear a ‘No’. The chance of getting the second thing you ask for is higher if they already said no to something else. That chance is even higher if you ask for something very different. It does not have to be a downgrade but just something different that nonetheless takes you much closer to your overall goal. I do this all the time very successfully.

For example, if you ask for money and get a ‘no’, ask for a seat at the table, or in reverse. If you don’t get your price, ask for your terms and vice versa. I usually ask first for something that I know I’m not likely to get because I really want to get that second thing I’ll ask for next. The secret is that the first ask anchors the expectations. Set them high. Be careful what you ask for, as you may get it.

The psychology of it is simple. In most cases, your counterpart will feel a twinge of guilt for saying no, making them more inclined to say yes to something else. They might even describe in detail why they said no to the first ask, giving you valuable insight into what you really want. Sometimes, they might even offer it to you next time without you asking (as long as you can show that you have something they really want in exchange).

Make it a habit to ask for something bigger than you’ve previously dared. Ask often – for help, for resources, for rewards, for feedback, for investment in you, for advice or whatever is valuable to you and takes you a step closer to what you really want. You can use it to connect, create trust, and deliver results for which people will be ready to reward you more.

The journey to success is often paved with rejections. But it’s how we handle these rejections that truly defines us, and this is how we are designed to grow. Keep asking, keep learning, and keep growing.